ACT THREE

That Spirituality Thing


(The psychologist: is at his desk. There is a knock on the door. He goes to the door and admits a male client who seems flustered and breathless. The client goes to the couch and reclines while the psychologist: gets his note pad and a pen before taking his place in his easy chair near the couch.)

PSYCHOLOGIST: Just try to relax a bit, Bill. Tell me what’s troubling you.

BILL: Wow! I nearly got run over by some lady running down the hall away from your office. Do all your patients react that way?

PSYCHOLOGIST: She was in a hurry to go out and take control of her life. You know how it is when people come to a difficult decision. It’s nice to see you decided to come back for a visit yourself.

BILL: Well, I want to talk about a weird problem that’s come up.

PSYCHOLOGIST: It’s your nickel, Sir.
BILL: You told me to go to Gamblers Anonymous, that’s my problem.

PSYCHOLOGIST: What? They threw you out?

BILL: No, I wish they had. They let me in!

PSYCHOLOGIST: Well, maybe they had a momentary lapse of judgment. I could make a few calls and tell them to keep the doors locked.

BILL: They’re good people, but they keep talking about this God stuff and these Higher Powers. It’s like a religious cult. I don’t believe in magic.

PSYCHOLOGIST: What do you believe in?

BILL: I believe in me! I haven’t gambled in weeks now, and I take credit for that. It’s me! It’s my determination! I decided not to gamble like you suggested, and now I think I’ll decide to keep away from these religious nuts, too.

PSYCHOLOGIST: So, you’re an atheist among God’s Children. That must seem uncomfortable.

BILL: Not atheist. Agnostic! Big difference. Sometimes I think there might be a god, but I have no idea what that might be or how it would affect my gambling or my life.

PSYCHOLOGIST: So, what do you want to learn more about:  There is no god, or there is a God?

BILL: What’s theology have to do with gambling or not gambling?

PSYCHOLOGIST: Not a lot, I’m sure, but your personality has a something to do with it, don’t you think?
 
BILL: Are you saying God made my personality?

PSYCHOLOGIST: Gee, I hope not. They say he’s a merciful God. Why would He do a thing like that?

BILL: Then he must have goofed up.

PSYCHOLOGIST: Whoops! There you go again laying off responsibility on others, and He isn’t going to defend himself. He remains silent on most subjects.

BILL: If I were religious I’d pray for you ‘cause I’m tempted to send you to meet Him!

PSYCHOLOGIST: Before you send me off, maybe you could put a little spirituality into your own life here on earth.

BILL: So, O.K., I’ll tell you I do believe in God. Now what? Am I spiritual yet?

PSYCHOLOGIST: No. You would need to attend services on a regular basis, make a donation to the collection, take a Bible studies class and see a representative of your church on a regular schedule in order to learn the basics. Every religion that promises spirituality demands participation. Some vague decision to believe won’t do it. It would take discipline, Bill. Saying, “I believe,” is only the beginning.

BILL: Just believing isn’t enough?

PSYCHOLOGIST: Of course not. To get good at anything you have to study and work at it. If you want spirituality in your personality and your life, you’ll need help from the experts. You have to figure out exactly what spirituality is and how spiritual people think and act.

BILL: If I believe in God, who needs to go to church?

PSYCHOLOGIST: If you believe in food, you go to the market every week, don’t you?

BILL: Maybe I could just read the Bible.

PSYCHOLOGIST: Sure, you could do that. But, can you just read about spirituality and religion, or do you have to go out and get someone to help you practice those things? There are many ways of interpreting everything in the Bible. Do you think you know enough by yourself to do that?

BILL: I could be a Buddhist.

PSYCHOLOGIST: How?

BILL: So, I’d have to read up on that, too?

PSYCHOLOGIST: I guess so. They get together, too, at temples, and they listen to their teachers and gurus. You’d probably have to go to retreats, learn to chant prayers, read some books, learn to meditate, maybe set up a time every day for contemplation, have a shrine in your home. Lots of things.

BILL: Hey, the Jews don’t sweat it.

PSYCHOLOGIST: No religion in the world is more scholarly. They’d want you to go to a school to study the sacred scrolls, the customs, the diet, the prayers . . . all that and more.

BILL: So, pick a religion, study it, jump through all the hoops they set up, then you’re spiritual?

PSYCHOLOGIST: No, of course not. You’d know a lot more about history, customs, theology and such, but would you learn to behave and think in a spiritual way?

BILL: What’s not spiritual about my personality or my behavior now?

PSYCHOLOGIST: Describe the most spiritual person you’ve ever met.

BILL: Everybody I know runs around chasing the buck, competing, undercutting people, smoking too much, cheating on their wives . . . nope, there’s no spirituality out there.

PSYCHOLOGIST: Did any of the people in Gamblers Anonymous seem to have some spirituality?

BILL: Like I said, they’re nice people.

PSYCHOLOGIST: Describe nice.

BILL: They smile, shake your hand, offer you coffee, and listen to your shit. They seem to be very caring, but they want to hold hands and say that Serenity Prayer of theirs. They want to turn their lives over to God. I’m not handing my steering wheel over to a ghost.

PSYCHOLOGIST: Sounds like you think nice is close to being spiritual. You could just turn your life over to the group and use them as your guiding power.

BILL: Nice is nice. I like nice. I’d like to be nice if I could afford it.

PSYCHOLOGIST: What? They have a tax on being nice?

BILL: You’re so dumb you make me feel smart. I appreciate that in a psychologist.

PSYCHOLOGIST: Is smart a part of being spiritual?

BILL: Say, you just reminded me of a retarded kid who lives down the block from me. He asks a lot of stupid questions like yours, but what a sweet kid he is. Always has a smile on his face. He’s never loud or nasty to the other kids. He’s always generous, eager to please, and just, well, nice. I’d have to say that in spite of being retarded, he’s spiritual.

PSYCHOLOGIST: You could ask him to teach you.

BILL: You’re twisted. Me learn from a retarded kid?

PSYCHOLOGIST: It sounds to me like his example has already taught you something.

BILL: O.K., Pal. No, I flat out don’t believe in God. So, there. I’m an atheist. Now I don’t have to bother with any of that spiritual crap.

PSYCHOLOGIST: As I said, your personality could be a problem, and it could lead you back into trouble if you don’t make some changes.

BILL: Well, agnostics and atheists can’t be spiritual.

PSYCHOLOGIST: Of course they can. They may not ‘do’ religion, but some have wonderful personalities and others have rotten personalities. In my experience, it’s about the same ratio you find among religious people.

BILL: That’s sure a slam against religion.

PSYCHOLOGIST: Not in the least. There’s lots of reasons for belonging to a religion aside from learning spirituality. Some people belong out of habit, or to make social connections, or because they enjoy the services and sermons, or just because the want their children exposed to it.

BILL: I’m confused.

PSYCHOLOGIST: How does that make you feel?

BILL: Save the psychology crap. You know I feel like shit most of the time.

PSYCHOLOGIST: Well, we were focusing on spirituality, not really on religion. People try to become more spiritual because it’s a way of feeling at peace with yourself and the world. Spiritual people don’t have much interest in gambling.

BILL: I thought religion and spirituality is the same thing.

PSYCHOLOGIST: There are people on both sides who have one without the other.

BILL: How does an agnostic or an atheist get some spirituality, if that’s possible like you say?

PSYCHOLOGIST: The same as anything else you want to learn. You find a teacher or anyone who has the personal qualities you admire and want, and then you sign on as a student.

BILL: Couldn't I just read some books?

PSYCHOLOGIST: Of course not. Books help, but to get good at anything you have to work at it. If you want spirituality in your personality and your life, you’ll need help from the experts. You have to figure out exactly what spirituality is and how spiritual people think and act. You could enroll in courses on morality, logic and ethics at our local college.

BILL: Sheesh! I have a broken record for a therapist. Work, work, work is all you preach.

PSYCHOLOGIST: You once told me that gambling is hard work that you had to study all kinds of things and learn all kinds of tricks; tricks, by the way, that never worked, but you studied and worked anyway. Tell me what spiritual people are like.

BILL: How would I know? You said I have to study and practice.

PSYCHOLOGIST: Just give me a list of personal qualities, and leave religion off the list because it’s beyond argument for now. Religion is not a decision you have to make right now.

BILL: O.K. Let’s see. Patient, tolerant, kind . . . what else . . . humble . . .

PSYCHOLOGIST: Good start. Is that you?

BILL: I’m a compulsive gambler just trying to stay away from gambling. I can’t afford to take time for that philosophical stuff.

PSYCHOLOGIST: So, just go on being impatient, intolerant, mean and arrogant. That should help you stay away from gambling, right?

BILL: Of course not, but you make it seem too simple.

PSYCHOLOGIST: Your friend the retarded kid is the one who makes it simple. Maybe simple, as in uncomplicated, should be on your list of spiritual qualities

BILL: I like money. I want the good things in life. I don’t want to take a vow of poverty.

PSYCHOLOGIST: You already have. All compulsive gamblers have taken a vow of poverty.

BILL: I’ve quit gambling. Now I want to enjoy all the things I’ve been missing.

PSYCHOLOGIST: Will accumulating a lot of money help you find spirituality?

BILL: Probably not, but it would be fun.

PSYCHOLOGIST: Will chasing money and material wealth help you find spirituality?

BILL: No.

PSYCHOLOGIST: Is being rich on your list of spiritual personality characteristics?

BILL: No.

PSYCHOLOGIST: Go forth, then, and enjoy a simple life. My bill is in the mail. Next time you come, bring me your complete list of spiritual personality characteristics. If you join a religion, that’s your business. If you want to change how you think and feel and act, then that’s our business, mine and the nice people in Gamblers Anonymous.

BILL: I guess you expect me to tolerate that Serenity Prayer thing.

PSYCHOLOGIST: Tolerance is certainly a characteristic of spiritual people, isn’t it? Just focus on what they’re asking for, on the courage, wisdom, knowledge and strength. Forget who they’re asking; they’re really asking themselves, anyway. Keep your eyes on the prize.

(The curtain closes. A female enters and is followed by the spotlight. A drummer accompanies her. She is dressed only in a thong and has pasties on her breasts. The drummer is dressed in a policeman’s uniform. She does an exotic dance while he drums a cadence. They leave and Act Four begins.)
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