ACT EIGHT
Not So Humble People
PSYCHOLOGIST: Well, hello, Mr. and Mrs. Grandioso. I’m glad you could come in together.
VERA: Normally, I don’t want to be seen in public with this bum
of a husband of mine, but in this case I’ve made a concession.
MUCHO: Now, Vera, we agreed to try to be civil during our session with
the Doc here. Don’t go putting on airs like you were some kind of
queen.
PSYCHOLOGIST: Please, Vera and Mucho, sit down and make yourselves comfortable.
MUCHO: there she goes, brushing off the chair before she puts her precious bottom down in it.
VERA: It’s the best damn bottom you’ve ever had your hands on, Mucho.
PSYCHOLOGIST: You two sound like you did each other a favor getting married. Where’s the marital bliss?
MUCHO: Well, I actually did her a favor. My mother had a nice girl picked out for me, but I went and fell for Vera here.
VERA: My Dad warned me about marrying a gambler. He knew since he was one himself.
PSYCHOLOGIST: Well, Mucho here hasn’t gambled is four months, so
maybe you’ll get your chance to be married to a normal guy after
all.
VERA: Who needs normal? I’m a special person, my counselor told me so. Special women need special men in their lives.
MUCHO: You’ll see, Vera. I plan to be outstandingly normal. Right, Doc?
PSYCHOLOGIST: Well, if normal means just average, I don’t think
anyone can be outstandingly average. But average, normal people can be
very happy in life; they’re always happier than people who
believe in their own specialnesss.
VERA: My therapist helps me to feel good. She tells me I need
self-esteem, and she helps me build my positive self-image. She even
got me in touch with my inner adult.
PSYCHOLOGIST: I think that’s supposed to be inner child, but
maybe in your case adult is better. So, do you always feel good these
days, Vera?
VERA: Certainly, when I’m with my therapist.
MUCHO: Tell the Doc about the rest of the time.
VERA: My life’s a mess. I hate everybody. There are no good
people left in the world. Mucho embarrasses me. I just can’t find
that great, fantastic destiny my mother promised me when I was a little
girl. When Mucho gambled at least he looked and acted like a winner,
and I enjoyed our trips to the casinos. Now he’s just a boring,
overweight, middle-age man who spends his time with a bunch of losers
in Gamblers Anonymous. I told my lawyer that I need something better in
life, and he agreed with me.
PSYCHOLOGIST: You’re therapist is full of baloney; you do know
that, don’t you? And your lawyer wants to make a case;
that’s his business.
VERA: My therapist is the only good thing in my life, and you say
she’s full of it! She laughs at that silly Gamblers Anonymous
program of Mucho’s. To go around saying you’re powerless,
that you’re sorry and that you’ve given
up—that’s bad for morale and self-image. A person has to be
proud. I’m a proud person, not a limp dishrag.
PSYCHOLOGIST: What have you got to be proud of? I mean, what makes you proud, Vera?
VERA: I’m just a quality person, a notch above the common herd.
By the way, Doc, how many different couples have you counseled?
PSYCHOLOGIST: About six in the past ten years; it’s not my specialty I’m pleased to say.
VERA: That’s not many. What’s your success rate?
PSYCHOLOGIST: Oh, they all got divorced. But, most of the individuals
are now pretty happy in life and have gone on to better times.
VERA: You’re a bumbling idiot, just right for Mucho here.
PSYCHOLOGIST: Let’s appeal a higher authority. Do you see that
framed quotation over there on the wall, Vera? Please read it to us.
VERA: “Where there is charity and wisdom, there is neither fear
nor ignorance. Where there is patience and humility, there is neither
anger nor vexation. Where there is poverty and joy, there is neither
greed nor avarice. Where there is peace and meditation, there is
neither anxiety nor doubt.” What damn fool wrote that?
PSYCHOLOGIST: It’s attributed to Saint Francis of Assisi.
You’re quite right; he acted like a fool in the eyes of his
family and his townspeople. He was quite a radical. He didn’t
invent humility, but he was pretty good at practicing it to the extreme.
MUCHO: That quote sure describes the way my bad feelings used to be all
the time, but I see some changes recently. I think it’s good
advice. I would never have agreed with that last year.
PSYCHOLOGIST: Well, then, Mucho, you’re saying you had problems
with fear, ignorance, anger, vexation, greed, avarice, anxiety and
doubt. You don’t have to copy that quote, by the way. I’ll
give you a copy before you leave.
VERA: That’s why he’s turned into a bum. He has no feelings
anymore; there’s no challenge, no romance. He’s a turnip.
He’s a religious nut these days.
PSYCHOLOGIST: Francis never called himself a saint, and the quotation
doesn’t mention religion, the church, priests, or God. How is it
religious? Do you, Vera, suffer from any of the negative emotions
mentioned in the quote?
VERA: That’s something I can discuss with my own therapist, but
she doesn’t like to waste time on negative things. She thinks I
don’t need to be fixed or changed; she just wants me to build my
self-confidence.
MUCHO: I haven’t changed any of my religious ideas, Vera.
I’ve just begun to change my character and personality; and
I’m much more at peace with myself. I only wish you would listen
to the Doc here and maybe get to a few Gam-Anon meetings. I really
think that some amount of humility is the path to happiness.
PSYCHOLOGIST: What about it, Vera? Are you bothered by any of those feelings like fear, anger, and anxiety?
VERA: Well, you sure vex the hell out of me. I can see why everybody
you talk to gets divorced. Everybody has these feelings, and
psychologists are supposed to calm you and take away all the negative
stuff. What are we paying you for if you can’t fix us?
PSYCHOLOGIST: As a matter of fact, I was wondering if you’d ever
get around to the subject of the bills you haven’t paid yet.
MUCHO: Vera spends hundreds of dollars on her therapist, but she
doesn’t think my therapy is something that should come out of our
household budget, so I’ve taken a second job, Doc, and
you’ll get paid eventually.
VERA: Right! I don’t even rate a few hours of Mucho’s time these days with his jobs and his G.A. meetings.
PSYCHOLOGIST: Mrs. Gradioso, the quote from Francis tells us that we
are happiest when we practice certain behaviors such as charity,
humility, patience, and meditation.
VERA: I consider anything we pay you to be charity.
PSYCHOLOGIST: In this quote, charity means compassion, caring or love. Do you have any of these?
VERA: Pride comes first. Without pride you have nothing.
PSYCHOLOGIST: You refuse to consider humility, then?
VERA: I told you, stupid. I’m totally humiliated by you and by
Mr. Goodie Two Shoes here. The hell with it. I’m going straight
to my lawyer and file for divorce, and I won’t leave Mucho with a
dime to his name.
PSYCHOLOGIST: Mucho hasn’t got a dime to his name. He’s in
poverty thanks to gambling debts. Getting anything is a real long shot,
Vera.
VERA: You stay here if you like, Mucho, or come with me to see my
therapist. I’m sure she could get you back to being your normal,
old self.
MUCHO: I was never normal. But I’m working on that now, and I like it.
VERA: Welcome to Dullsville, turkey. You’ll hear from my lawyer.
Meantime, go sleep at your mother’s place because you’re
out of my life for good now.
PSYCHOLOGIST: Would you like a copy of the Francis quote to take with you?
(Sound of heels clicking and door slamming.)
MUCHO: Well, by golly, she’s gone. The great divorce counselor strikes again.
PSYCHOLOGIST: The perfect record still holds, eh? No charge for her; this session’s on me.
MUCHO: This might have been the most valuable session of all, Doc.
PSYCHOLOGIST: When you work with gamblers and depend on them to pay
your bill, then poverty becomes a good friend, so I’m pretty free
of greed and avarice. There is no merit in poverty if it is not
voluntary. Francis practiced poverty deliberately and was grateful for
it, not resentful.
MUCHO: I think that the humiliation Vera is so afraid of is due to the
fact that she has so little control of her life. Humiliation is what
others lay on you, and you get hooked into believing their opinions.
PSYCHOLOGIST: Great thinking, Mucho. So, what’s the difference
between humiliation and humility? Why is one bad and the other good for
you?
MUCHO: People who don’t feel in control are easy to humiliate and
embarrass. Humiliation is forced; humility is voluntary. I’m
working very hard to build a simple life because I can control simple.
If it’s too complex, my feelings get out of control.
PSYCHOLOGIST: I notice you didn’t try to stop Vera.
MUCHO: Vera is complex, too complex for me. I feel relieved, to tell
you the truth. We had a lot of fun at first when we got married, but
lately we’re too different. She may be right; I’m just a
stick-in-the-mud. But maybe I’m growing in positive ways and
maybe she’s just stuck in the old ways of thinking.
PSYCHOLOGIST: Married people do sometimes grow apart over time, and if
the one can’t keep up with the other, they end in misery or
divorce. If a man stops smoking and starts to exercise regularly, we
know that the likelihood of divorce increases if the woman
doesn’t make similar changes.
MUCHO: I never realized how arrogant Vera and I both were.
PSYCHOLOGIST: So, what does the practice of humility do for you, Mucho?
MUCHO: It sets me free. I never take anything personally anymore, or at
least I try not to. I even bought a T-shirt that says,
“Don’t take it personally.” I’m learning to
listen without being critical. I take what I can use and leave the
rest, and I’ve learned to sit on my opinions unless someone seems
really interested. I can leave some for others and tell myself
“what I have is enough.” Vera thinks I’ve become a
failure, but I love what humility does for me.
PSYCHOLOGIST: I’m very impressed with your progress, Mucho. In
fact, because of you, I’m going to re-write this scene.
MUCHO: I’ll still be in it, won’t I?
PSYCHOLOGIST: Well, not exactly. I want to rename your character
Minimus Grandioso. That’s more in line with what I see in you now.
MUCHO: You can’t do that, Doc. I’m a member of the Story Character’s Union; we’ll go on strike.
PSYCHOLOGIST: Now, now. Humility, humility, if you please. How would a
truly humble man react to being deleted when his character no longer
fits the part?
MUCHO: I’m history! I’m a goner; I can tell that. Just
remember, Doc, when you delete a character your bill never gets paid.
See you around.
PSYCHOLOGIST: Poof!
(Curtain. A man in an orange robe and sandals comes on stage, sits cross-legged in meditation, and leaves.)