Chapter 17

Making Choices

Gamblers Anonymous invited me to group meetings and regional conclaves many times, and I came to look forward to them. I remember with joy several conclaves held at resorts in the Catskills of New York State as well as meetings in New York City and New Jersey. There was a fellowship there that I never found in business meetings with psychologists and treatment people.

In Cleveland, the local groups and open meetings for pinning ceremonies were pretty much a standard exposure to the wonderful people who opened their meetings and hearts to our gambler patients at the Brecksville Division of the Cleveland Veterans Administration Medical Center. Over the years, I also attended and sometimes spoke by invitation at conclaves in San Francisco, Seattle, Chicago, and other cities. The regional differences were impressive, but always there was a spirit of firm devotion to a single cause: abstinence from gambling.

I noticed that other mental health professionals working with addictions seldom mentioned the Twelve Steps. In fact, many professionals were somewhat contemptuous of self-help groups such as Gamblers Anonymous. I seldom saw other professionals at G.A. meetings or conclaves, but I knew that Robert Custer, M.D. and Alida Glen, Ph.D., who worked with Custer from 1971 until 1978, had frequently attended G.A. meetings as well as other Twelve Step groups. As soon as I began working on the gambling Treatment Program in 1978, I was drawn into local meetings because our patients attended about three G.A. meeting every week. My only concern, as a lifelong agnostic, was the religious overtones of the Steps and the meeting format that included group prayer. But, it was their program, not mine, so I kept silent.

Oliver Fringe, M.D., mentioned in earlier chapters, never worked professionally with gamblers, but he became an ardent student of addictions and of the self-help movement. The truth is, I wanted other professional mental health people to become interested in problem gambling, and perhaps my desire for a colleague I could talk to led me to invent this alter-ego. Whatever, he keeps me talking to myself much of the time. We each considered the other a bit of an odd ball, but that’s the way it is when we confront ourselves. So, rolling all my many visits with G. A. into one big ball, and tossing in my once and future friend Oliver Fringe as a sounding board, I will sketch out some thoughts that stay with me as a result of my interest in the Twelve Steps. (Talking to Fringe is like talking to me because that’s what it seems to be.)

Fringe and I thought that personal growth should not depend on religious devotion. We were secularists who didn’t rely much on religion for comfort and guidance.

“Must our secularism deprive us of a spiritual life? No! Of course not!” said an excited Dr. Fringe. “We’re on the verge of developing spirituality for the common man, spirituality without miracles or mysticism. And you know that’s true, Taber, so don’t weasel out on me.”

One day Fringe proclaimed, “I’ve written up a version of the Twelve Steps that is godless and secular, Taber. They could keep all the important ideas in the steps and just leave out the God part. You know how many people are uncomfortable with the religious elements of Twelve Step groups. Why, Bill Wilson himself, when he started Alcoholics Anonymous, was dubious about including any part of religion in the alcoholic recovery program. He had what he called a spiritual experience, but he never trusted religious conversion as a substitute for talking with other alcoholics. And a spiritual experience is not necessarily the same as a religious experience or conversion, is it?”

“My friend,” I replied, “you’re playing with fire when you tamper with the wording of the Twelve Steps. The old timers would kill you. Besides, how they word their recovery program is none of our business. The only reason I listen to you is that, in fact, the federals courts have ruled that A. A. is a religious organization.”

“Oh, progress, indeed,” said Fringe.

“I don’t know how progressive that court ruling is,” I said, “but like it or not, the courts are an earthly higher power we all must obey or suffer the consequences. A few rebellious patients at an alcohol treatment facility sued the facility because they were forced to attend meetings of A. A. They won their case when the court decided that A. A. is a religious organization.”

“I did read about that, too,” said Fringe, “but it only applies if the program is funded by federal dollars. The separation of church and state is basic to the United States government, and I think that model should be used by self-help organizations. It could eliminate a major problem for some members who are uncomfortable with religion.”

“Fringe, you’re asking Twelve Step groups to change the wording and format of their meetings,” I said.

“Taber, you know that the founders of Gamblers Anonymous back in 1957 re-worded the A. A. steps to suit themselves. They cut out some references to God, and used the group as the higher power of our own understanding. They just weren’t buying all the religious talk. But they didn’t go all the way to develop a truly non-religious program. In the handouts you sent this group for tonight’s meeting, you used the Gamblers Anonymous version and the old, original wording of Bill Wilson’s Twelve Steps. But, I see that you also included the Universal Secular Twelve Steps version that I wrote.”

“Fringe,” I argued, “that was just for fun. Changing the wording might be necessary as time and values change. We’ve modified our U.S. Constitution over the years to fit new circumstances, but this is done by amendment, not be rewriting the whole thing.”

“The Constitution,” replied Fringe, “is a secular document to begin with. There was never any need to rewrite the whole thing. It’s as modern today as the day they wrote it. The Constitution is evidence that secularism works in all of our earthly affairs.”

“Changing the wording of the Twelve Step program of recovery is a double-edged sword,” I said. “If they lighten up on the God talk, they’ll lose some old members and maybe gain more new ones. Attracting new members is the good part. But once one group changes it, every other group thinks they can play fast and loose to suit their own whims. There’s too much risk of getting away from the basic values that make recovery a reality when you twist the rules to suit your tastes.”

We a arrived at the designated meeting hall and, with the help of a maintenance person, we found our way to a large room in the basement of the church.

A somewhat forbidding woman behind the podium stared sternly at us and said nothing. Our guide vanished. Fifty people stared. The only phrase that came to my head was an old line from a science fiction movie: “We come in peace.”

Finally I mumbled, “I’m Julian Taber, and this is Dr. Fringe, a scholar and friend of the self-help movement.”

To my relief, smiles and applause broke out in the hall. The lady behind the podium came forward, offering hugs and handshakes. We were given coffee and taken to chairs behind a table at the front of the room.

After greetings, introductions, and cautions about anonymity, the large lady, now no longer a forbidding stranger took her place at the podium and began the session.

“Ladies and gentlemen,” she said, “My name is Mildred, and I’m a recovering compulsive gambler. No applause, please,” she said, holding up her hand to silence the first few claps. “We’ll dispense this evening with the traditional applause-greeting as people get up to speak. I will be your chairperson for this evening

 “We asked Dr. Taber to be with us tonight as the only invited, outside, professional person; we seek to avoid outside distractions and devote our energies to internal group matters. His friend is attending with the stipulation that he will not, unless invited to do so, contribute in any way to the discussion this evening. All the rest of our sessions are working sessions at which we exchange ideas and experiences. But tonight we thought we could break up that hard work with a change of pace. Dr. Taber has been a friend of Twelve Step groups for many years now, and he does not seem to think, like some professionals, that his own knowledge is superior to ours. He views self-help groups as primary support and treatment, not as auxiliary or secondary elements. If I misrepresent his views, he’ll have to forgive me and correct me later.

“We asked Dr. Taber if he would speak to us about new trends in what is called cognitive psychology—the psychology of human thinking—but he declined to be a lead speaker. Instead, he sent us an assignment, and he said he would like to be present here tonight as we complete it. He wanted us to do the speaking, and said he just wanted to take notes. We’re pleased to honor that request.

“When I talked with Dr. Taber on the telephone, he seemed to think that we know more about an addict’s thinking during addiction and recovery than a lot of people in his own profession. He tossed me for a loop when he said we already have all the cognitive psychology we need. He said we know much more than we think we know, and that our understanding of human nature and human growth needn’t be restricted to any particular addiction or problem. He spoke of our universal wisdom. All that flattery might have gone to my head except I know he really means what he says. I’m just an uneducated old woman working on my eighth year of recovery. What do I know? So I certainly hope that the rest of you brought some universal wisdom with you because I don’t feel like I have much, and Taber isn’t going to share his. I hate it when people dump all the responsibility on me, don’t you?”

There were smiles and laughs as her audience agreed.

“OK, here’s the assignment he gave us. He sent a few pages of very familiar material, and a question. The materials he sent are the Alcoholics Anonymous Twelve Steps, the Twelve Traditions, and the Twelve Promises from the Alcoholics Anonymous Big Book. He also sent a copy of the Twelve Steps we use in G.A.

“He sent Bill Wilson’s original wording of The Steps, and said we should try to adapt the wording to suit our individual needs if we could do that without changing the real meaning or philosophy. He also sent what he called The Universal Secular Twelve Steps, copies of which you also have in front of you. He’s going to have to explain that eventually.”

I caught Fringe glancing at me with a raised eyebrow. He wagged a finger in my direction and kept his silence.

Mildred continued. “We all use this material all the time in one form or another in our different meetings, and each of you has a copy of these pages in front of you tonight. Now, here’s the question Taber wants us to answer. It’s about making choices. He claims that each of the Steps, Traditions, and Promises offers a choice we must make, not an order to be followed. He says it’s a program of choices, not of orders to follow.

“So the question is this: What choice must one make if one is to accept each of the Twelve and Twelve and Twelve, as people call them? That’s all. What are the personal, individual choices we need to make in recovery, based on our own recovery literature?

“Personally, although I eat, live, and sleep our program of recovery, I have never understood the idea of making choices. I just followed the program that I believed would save my life. For me it was a no-brainer. I saw that it worked for others, so it was what I … whoops, chose? There’s that word again … yes, chose for myself. Well, of course, as long as we’re active in our addiction we’re not making choices. We start doing that in recovery. Just because someone gives us alternatives to choose from doesn’t mean we give up choice. That’s why I’m so grateful to the program, it gave me choices and alternatives I never knew I had.

“So, 36 of you have volunteered to talk about choices. I’ll call from the list of speakers in front of me. You’ll be time-limited; no long personal stories, no side trips, and no political speeches. When it’s your turn, just say you first name. You don’t have to name the specific addiction that brought you here. We’re all addicts here, and we’re getting away from the idea that any one addiction is special and different from all the others. Just read the item you’re responding to, and tell us what important choice, opportunity, or decision that item offers to you.”

There was silence in the hall, broken by the rustle of papers and the small movements of chairs. Then the chairperson spoke again.

“Step One, please.”

A slender, elderly man rose from his chair. “Hello, I’m Benny. I’m a compulsive gambler, and I’ve been in recovery for six years. Step One reads: We admitted we were powerless over Gambling—that our lives had become unmanageable. In A. A. literature, of course, the key word is alcohol.

“A universal Step One for any addiction would read: We admitted we were powerless over addiction—that our lives had become unmanageable. Whatever, the choice here is between surrender and more manipulation. When everything you try keeps turning to dust, a sensible person gives up the fight. But I was taught that only cowards quit, so for a long time I didn’t see that I could just stop trying to outsmart the addiction. I learned that surrender actually leads to freedom, and manipulation makes you a slave of the machinery you’re manipulating. Fanatics who can’t surrender die, so I choose life and freedom over more misery and manipulation. If that makes me a coward, I wish there were more cowards.”

“Thanks, Benny. Let’s hear Step Two.”

Another older man stood to speak. “Hi, I’m James, and I’ve been away from Gambling for 24 years. The G.A. Step Two says:  Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to a normal way of thinking and living.

The choice here is between faith and doubt, between belief and cynicism. It’s not, do I believe in God or don’t I? Like many members, the God talk seemed to me to make the program into a religion. Some members do believe in an all-powerful, all-seeing God, and that’s fine, if it helps. Personally, like Bill Wilson, I have my doubts about how much religion actually does help. In my home group in Philadelphia we practice tolerance, and if someone wants to use higher power or group conscience instead of God, that’s fine with the rest of us.

“But my program isn’t my religion; it’s the choices I make every day for myself. Faith is the important idea in Step Two. The faith I decided to practice was the certainty that I could stop using and clean up, that life could change radically for the better. I chose to trust the program offered to me. And people who knew me know what a leap of faith that was. I was the world’s worst cynic. I never believed anything people told me, and I sure didn’t believe in me.

“My personal version of Step Two is: Came to believe the program could restore us to sanity. I decided to have faith in me, in the rightness of life on earth, in the wisdom of the group, and in my sponsor. People have to understand that the program for each of us is only what we decide to believe in, not some absolute set of laws written on a stone tablet. The capacity for belief is so essential, and it really doesn’t matter much what we believe in as long as we have faith in ourselves. We need to act as if there is a higher power in which we believe. We have to learn to act as if we are accountable for everything we do. It’s like anything else in life—school, a new job, or marriage. You never know for sure if things will work out well, so without faith you would never do anything.”

I was impressed how short each offering was. In so many meetings, the speeches were almost endless, but the chairperson seemed to have good control of the meeting.

“Thanks James. Step Three, please.”

“Hi, I’m Mary, a compulsive gambler and a drug abuser, so I’ve got seven years in recovery for two addictions. Step Three says: Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of this Power of our own understanding. The choice offered here is between willingness to change and that old, stubborn, obsessive-compulsive willfulness. Sometimes change feels so scary, but my old willfulness kept getting me into scary situations, so I just decided to go with the flow of the program and, like James says, have a little faith in things I don’t understand yet. People in the so-called normal world never want you to surrender or to admit life is unmanageable. It’s supposed to be such a disgrace. But what a wonderful feeling of freedom my admission of powerlessness gave me. And I don’t really have to manage life now, because it just flows naturally when I do the right things and follow the program.

“I don’t know if God knows or cares about any individual life, but the important thing here is willingness to listen to those here on earth who do care about you. I’ve learned to follow directions, that’s my choice. They’re my higher power. They’ve been through it and I trust them. By the time I was ready to clean up, nobody else cared if I lived or died. But the people in these rooms cared. So maybe a universal Third Step should read: Made a decision to turn our wills and our lives over to the program and to the loving care of our group.

“It surely doesn’t bother me if people want to keep God in the Steps, but we never dare forget the power of the group. Besides, I don’t think any of us work the program in order to get into Heaven; we work the program so that we can live a good life here on earth. Thanks.”

“Very good, Mary. Step Four, please.”

“Hi, I’m Helen, a recovering compulsive gambler now for thirteen years. Step Four says: Made a searching and fearless moral and financial inventory of ourselves. I’m Catholic and I believe in God, but I also know the power of the group and believe that He works through the group. I think that regardless of religious beliefs, we all really know what moral means. Even addicted people know right from wrong. The choice we have here is a choice between the examined life, or denial of our imperfections and character defects. For years, I never looked at myself in a mirror. Oh, I’d look at my hat or my lipstick or my teeth, but I never looked at me! I knew how painful that would be, and every time I started to examine me I got scared and went back to using. But I’ve taken that inventory and I’ve shared it with the people who helped me take it. And, you know what? I like me now. I’m not perfect, but I’m not immoral, and I like me today. And I don’t own money to anyone.”

“Good, Helen,” said Mildred from the podium. “I see Dr. Taber writing notes, and I hope he likes what he’s hearing. But he’s not getting out of here tonight without some kind of sharing. We have ways to make him talk.” There were chuckles from the crowd. “Now, on to the Step Five.”

“Evening, folks. I’m a compulsive gambler and my name is Abe. I’ve been in recovery for a little over six years. Step Five: Admitted to ourselves and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs. The A. A. version mentions admitting wrongs to God. The issue here is the old and valuable confession of sins. Confession alone doesn’t change much, but the habit of openness and honesty among trusted friends is basic. Step Five offers us a choice between honesty and dishonesty; it’s that simple. And honesty changes everything.

“I don’t run around confessing to everybody on the street. That just makes you an idiot. And I don’t confess to get forgiveness, because it’s not up to my friends to forgive me. Those I’ve wronged don’t own me anything, let alone forgiveness. To forgive or not, that’s their choice. I try to discover and discuss all my defects. In my home group, we omit the reference to God, but if a person wants to include that when he or she reads the steps, that’s fine with us. Many of us here at this conclave seem to feel that religion is divisive, it drives people with a common purpose apart and …”

At the podium, the gavel banged. “Let me stop you right there, Abe. You’re getting into other business. We’re struggling with the religion question in our meetings here, and you can tell it’s very much on people’s minds. But let’s stick with tonight’s assignment. You’ve shown us the choice between honesty and dishonesty. Thank you. Let’s move along to Step Six.”

“Hello. My name is Betty. I’m a compulsive gambler with 11 years in recovery without a bet. Step Six says: Were entirely ready to have these defects of character removed. As you can see, the A. A. version talks about God removing the defects.

“I lost a lot of sleep trying to figure out what choice this step offers me. For a long time I thought that the decision here was between God and me; I mean, would He do it, or could I do it? Then I began to focus on the word remove, and what it really means. I decided that defects of character couldn’t be removed the way a surgeon removes a tumor. And as far as I know, they can’t be removed by any miracle cleaner or spot remover, either. I believe that if we do the right things and follow the program in every part of our lives, character defects will just fall away. They’ll be removed the way the importance of some toy is removed as we outgrow the need for it. What was once important becomes unimportant. What once dominated life becomes trivial. It’s like maturing and putting away childish things. It’s like growing up all over again. People who knew me before, tell me I’m a different person. That’s the way it’s worked for me over the past eleven years. And I’m so grateful.

“On the way here tonight I was still trying to figure out what choice Step Six offers us, and then it came to me. The choice here is between having an open mind, or one closed and shut to new ideas. Just being open to the idea that I can be different and better without being embarrassed or ashamed of having been wrong for so long, that’s a wonderful choice. It seems like a miracle. But I guess I don’t think it takes God to remove character defects; it just takes a willing, open mind. God has more important work. If I do the right things in every part of my life, the old defects simply become unnecessary, they just fall away like an old skin. You grow and become a new person. That’s just my opinion.”

“Good job, Betty, thanks. Step Seven, please.”

“Hello. I’m Edwina, a compulsive gambler, and I’ve abstained from my primary addiction for seven years, three months and five days. But if you consider smoking an addiction …”

TAP, TAP went the gavel. “Edwina, please, we don’t want to get into the smoking debate here. This is a non-smoking meeting, and that’s as far as we’ve gone so far. Addiction is addiction, and the only person whose opinion really counts is yours when it comes to deciding about that.”

“I apologize. You know the struggle we all go through. OK, Step Seven: Humbly asked God (of our understanding) to remove our shortcomings. The key word here seems to me to be humbly, or humble. Others can humiliate me, but only I can humble myself. Getting down on your knees could be an outward demonstration of that humility. And whatever we do it’s important to show humility in all our actions and thoughts, to get over feeling so damn special. So the choice here is between arrogance and humility. The practice of addiction is such an arrogant thing, so I don’t think addiction can be arrested unless personal arrogance is arrested. Rather than chase it out or have it removed, I just had to let it go. I choose and I practiced humility, and I think most of the old arrogance just vanished. Thank you.”

From the podium; “I didn’t mean to scold, Edwina, but I didn’t want us to get distracted by arguing over what is or is not an addiction. Thanks. Now, Step Eight.”

“Howdy, folks. I’m Charlie and I’ve been sober and clean for almost 18 years. Step Eight: Made a list of all persons we had harmed and became willing to make amends to them all.

 “I know most of us had to take time on this one because memory and judgment often fail on this task. It took two years for me to get this job finished. Mine was a long list. The choice here is between denial and caring, I think. At first, I didn’t care about anyone but myself, and I just made the list to please my sponsor. But after a while, when I looked at that list, it made me cry. I had started to care, to really care about people and how I had affected them. It wasn’t something I set out to do, this caring thing. And I don’t think caring was something I lost; I never had it in the first place. Making that list taught me how to care.”

“Fine, Charlie. What you say reminds me of something the Buddha supposedly said three thousand years ago: ‘He, who by good deeds covers the evil he has done, illuminates this world like the moon freed from clouds.’

“May we have Step Nine, please?”

“Hi, I’m Norman and I’ve had five years clean time. Step Nine: Make direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.

 “This is a clear choice between fixing and forgetting. When I was Gambling, I was an expert at forgetting. I forgot promises, meetings, birthdays, holidays—anything that got in the way of my fun. I forgot to offer love to those I loved, or caring to those who needed it. And when people reminded me of what I forget, I tried to forget them. But now I fix whatever I break. I clean up after myself, and I try not to make a mess in the first place. When you forget, you don’t learn from experience. When you fix, you practice caring and humility. And fixing is the best teacher in the world.”

“Good. Step Ten, please”

“A cheery hello to all on this rainy night. My name is Chang and I have six years, seven months, and 22 days since my last bet. Step Ten: Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong, promptly admitted it.

 “To be responsible you have to watch yourself pretty carefully, through your own eyes and through the eyes of others. The choice here, I think, is between dependence and independence. Do I depend on others to discover my mistakes, or do I take responsibility, review all my actions, and learn to correct myself? When you grow up you become your own parent, your own policeman. Independence doesn’t mean you can do anything you like, it just means you get the chance to be responsible. Self-control is still control; it’s the wise use of freedom.”

Someone in the room raised a hand, and Mildred reminded the group: “In other sessions, we’ll have the chance to discuss all these choices among ourselves. I know that most of you have also thought of choices that each of the steps offer, but for this session, we are not allowing cross-talk or comment from the floor. Please hold your questions for later.

“Thank you, Chang. Step Eleven, please.”

“Good evening. I’m Bob, and I’ve been in recovery for a little more than 10 years. Step Eleven: Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out.

 “I guess you’d call me an agnostic. I emphasize meditation, and I practice a little quiet time every morning. Thomas Merton said that listening for answers is the most important part of prayer, anyway. Just stop asking and listen; tough for an addict to do, eh? But that’s what I do. I just clear my mind and listen. I did it with this assignment this morning in my hotel room. First, I read the question again, and then I got comfortable and cleared my mind for meditation. Later, while I was eating my morning muffin, I realized the choice here is between what people now are calling mindfulness, and being close-minded. Mindfulness means a lot of things that I can’t get into now, but it involves sensitivity, thoughtfulness, awareness, and perception. When we’re using, we’re walled up against new ideas and experiences. In abstinence, the mind grows by forgetting itself, by getting lost in the real world and in other people. So, meditation—prayer, if you will—increases my conscious contact with the world and the people in it. It helps me see what needs to be done, not what I selfishly want for myself.”

“We’re moving along just fine,” said Mildred, “and we’re ready for Step Twelve, please.”

“Greetings from Detroit. I’m Harvey and I have 25 years of sobriety and six years of clean time. Step Twelve:. Having made an effort to practice these principles in all our affairs, we tried to carry this message to other compulsive gamblers

 “I guess we should be substituting addicts for alcoholics or compulsive gamblers, but that’s what it says on the paper here. I think there’s a method in Dr. Taber’s madness. By having us look at the old, original Steps that were written for alcoholics, and then by looking around at each other in a meeting like this, we can see how far beyond alcoholism the message of the Twelve Steps goes. Alcoholics can’t be selfish if they follow their program, and the choice here is to carry the message to all other addicts who still suffer and want to stop. It’s the old choice of service over selfishness.

“I also want to point out that the spiritual experience—whether you’re religious or not—is supposed to come as a result of these steps. We can’t just wait to get spiritual first before we start to work the Steps. Spirituality and spiritual experiences aren’t things we control. They don’t come on order, like pizza with the delivery boy. In my experience, they’re benefits that come unexpectedly, when you least expect them. And once you get a grip on these ideas, you keep working because all the good progress can vanish in a instant of temptation. The work never stops”

Although the meeting so far had taken only about 20 minutes, Mildred at the podium said, “Let’s all take a stretch, and relax. There’s coffee and juice on the table back there. Restrooms are just down the hall to the left. Back in five, folks.”

Dr. Fringe grinned and reached over to hand me a note. Glancing at it, I saw: Don’t forget to pitch The Universal Secular Twelve Steps. I smiled, put the paper in my jacket pocket, and told him, “Later.” There were people coming up to shake hands and say hello, and I wanted to work my way back to the coffee table. Why, I wondered, does Fringe have to toss that word secular in people’s faces? It’s going to offend so many.

This was a quiet, orderly group that seemed very relaxed. There was none of the excited chatter and bustle you might see at meetings with many newcomers present. These people were all old hands and well into recovery. They seemed more mature, controlled, and, yes, more serene. I had never felt so at home before in any self-help group meeting. I had never seen a meeting chairperson use a gavel, and I like it. Before the five minutes were up, everyone was back in chairs and ready to continue.

“Very well, friends,” said Mildred. “Our next task is a suggest of the choices offered in the Twelve Traditions, and once more we have before us the wording as written by Bill Wilson and used in A. A. If I recall my history correctly, he developed these Traditions about 10 years after A. A. started. It was a time of great growth in A. A., and Wilson wrote the Traditions to answer questions that kept coming in from new groups. The same old problems came up again and again, so they decided some written guidelines might help.

Taber once remarked that if he finds group members ignoring the Traditions, he thinks perhaps they have failed to complete their work on the Twelve Steps since how we conduct our group affairs must reflect discipline and the surrender of ego. Maybe he’ll say more about that idea later.

Speakers now followed quickly one after the other under Mildred’s brisk discipline. I jotted down notes on their comments.

Halmuth: “The First Tradition— Our common welfare should come first; personal recovery depends upon group unity.

“The group can do what the individual cannot do, so the common welfare must come first. The decision here must be to place group conscience above individual will. We must put our isolation behind us and become social creatures.”

What a strange distortion, I thought, to place the word must after the word decision. A decision is no decision at all if you must decide only in a certain direction. But I suppose that some people never feel free to make up their own minds. Halmuth seemed to be bowing to group pressure, but was that a good thing or a bad thing?

“Succinctly put, Halmuth. Now, the Second Tradition.”

Adelaide: “The Second Tradition—Our leaders are but trusted servants; they do not govern.

 “That’s the Gamblers Anonymous version. In the A. A. version, there is the only mention of God in their Twelve Traditions, by the way— For our group purpose there is but one ultimate authority-a loving God as He may express Himself in our group conscience. The Traditions are spiritual, of course, but much less religious in nature than the Twelve Steps; I think that’s because they deal with the mechanics of running an organization. I’m comfortable with the wording because I have a personal belief in God, but I go along with group conscience. Of course, using He, Him, and Himself to refer to God in the A. A. steps leaves us women out and introduces something else to argue about. We could just say: For our group purpose, there is but one ultimate authority—our group conscience. Our leaders are but trusted servants; they do no govern. So, I like the G.A. version.

“Democracy works. The choice here, though, is not about God, or even about democracy and dictatorship. The choice is between self-will and accepting the higher authority of the group’s collective wisdom.”

“Good. The Third Tradition, Joseph.”

A tall, thin man dressed in the black garb of a priest or minister rose, cleared his throat, and allowed a dramatic moment to pass before speaking. His hands trembled just a bit. Clearly, I thought, by wearing the business suit of the church, he was violating part of the spirit of anonymity.

“It is simply outrageous for us to drive God out of the Twelve Steps and Traditions. I cannot sit here in silence …”

CRASH! went Mildred’s gavel. “OK, hold it right there, Reverend. We’ve been dealing with all those questions in our other sessions. This is not the time or place to argue it all over again. We’ve accepted an assignment here tonight. Do you wish to continue, or will you defer to someone else?”

The tall man in black shuffled, stared at his shoes, and cleared his throat again. He was not happy, but he nodded at Mildred.. “The Third Tradition … pardon, I’m Father … no, no, I’m just Joe, and I have six years away from Gambling. The Third Tradition— The only requirement for Gamblers Anonymous membership is a desire to stop Gambling

“Yes, there’s an important choice here, too. It’s deciding to want something, and I do think we can decide our desires, even if we can’t feel the desire at first, if you know what I mean. It’s the desire to do better, to have a better life, verses the desire to go on using and to fear change. We can decide our fears, too, I think, and we can decide to act with courage even when we don’t feel courageous. And I apologize for getting angry and intolerant there at the beginning.”

“Thank you, Joseph. All of us have our own struggles to deal with, too. The Fourth Tradition, please.”

Ruth: “The Fourth Tradition— Each group should be self-governing except in matters affecting other groups or Gamblers Anonymous as a whole.

 “In my mind, A. A. stands for Addictions Anonymous, so that’s the wording I would prefer. The letters A. A. can stand for anything we want them to. I see a choice here between working within a closely-knit family, and blind, stupid obedience to some distant leadership. Autonomy means freedom and responsibility. It means people respect our special needs and our group judgment. We can make our own mistakes and learn from them. And the only limit is our own sensitivity to other groups, which may have different needs. In meetings like this, of course, we all agree to follow a bigger plan if we decide to attend.”

“The Fifth Tradition, please.”

Jimbo: “The Fifth Tradition— Gamblers Anonymous has but one primary purpose—to carry its message to the compulsive gambler who still suffers.

 “And I endorse the idea of letting A. A. stand for Addictions Anonymous, at least in my own mind, and probably eventually in my own home group. The choice offered here is between caring and indifference. I believe that any addict should learn to care about any and all addicts and addictions—universal caring for those who still suffer. So let it could read: Each group has but one purpose—to carry its message to the addict who still suffers.”

“Thank you, Jimbo. The Sixth Tradition.”

Jose: “The Sixth Tradition— Gamblers Anonymous ought never endorse, finance or lend the Gamblers Anonymous name to any related facility or outside enterprise, lest problems of money, property and prestige divert us from our primary purpose.

“The choice here, I think, is between spiritualism and materialism. Money, property, and prestige are ego fodder; they’re the enemies of humility. All addictions are physical, emotional, and spiritual problems. Material considerations detract from the program’s primary purpose.”

“That’s fine, Jose. Muhammad, you have the Seventh Tradition.”

Muhammad: “The Seventh Tradition—Every Gamblers Anonymous Group ought to be fully self-supporting, declining outside contributions.

 “They did try to raise outside money back in the early days of A. A., but it didn’t work. Outside money always has strings attached to it. Besides, how much money does it take to brew some coffee, pay room rent, and buy some pamphlets from Central Office? Not much. And how much money does it take to learn new ways of thinking? None. It takes willingness. Twelve Step programs are do-it-yourself programs. In the Seventh Tradition we choose independence over dependence. It means that the cure is in our hands and minds, not in the hands and minds of other people. I think that people like Dr. Taber here, mental health professionals, do their job best when they show us that we still have hands and minds of our own to work with.”

“Sounds good to me, Moe. Cheryl, the Eighth Tradition.”

Cheryl: “Gamblers Anonymous should remain forever non-professional, but our service centers may employ special workers..

“I’m not sure what they meant by special workers. It could be anybody from a secretary up to a shrink, I guess. I think they meant that the program administers itself or not at all. It may take someone to stuff envelopes or talk to the media, but self-help groups are not hospitals or clinics where people work for pay. In our service centers, we work for selfish reasons other than money. We work for the love of it, because our recovery depends on it. So the choice is compassion and service over self-interest and materialism.”

“Thank you. Steens has the Ninth Tradition.”

Steens “The Ninth Tradition—Gamblers Anonymous, as such, ought never be organized; but we may create service boards or committees directly responsible to those they serve.

“The choice here is democracy over dictatorship. We get to run the thing by not running it, but we get the responsibility for how well the mechanics work. It doesn’t need anyone to run it, it’s a very simple program, and it runs itself. None of us, I think, was much good in terms of democracy when we were gambling. We were all dictators. So that’s what we have to give up: power and control. We point people toward the path, but we don’t walk it for them.”

“Good, Steens. The Tenth Tradition.”

Vern: “The Tenth Tradition—Gamblers Anonymous has no opinion on outside issues; hence, the Gamblers Anonymous name ought never be drawn into public controversy.

 “This is a tough one because A. A., for example, can’t even get involved in the fight over what, besides alcohol, is or is not an addiction or disease. There’s been a big fight over whether or not cigarette smoking is an addiction, a fight between the tobacco companies, the politicians, and the people who’ve been hurt by smoking. But no Twelve Step groups ever got involved, not even the ones that smokers started to help stop smoking. Individual members of A. A. are involved with us, of course, but not as representatives of A. A.. Nor can Gamblers Anonymous, or Overeaters Anonymous, or any of the lot get involved as organizations. We can create Addictions Anonymous if we want to, but I don’t think we can call it A. A.. That designation is already taken.”

Mildred had her gavel poised as Vern spoke and shook it in his direction. She must have decided he was straying too far from the topic, and he seemed to realize that himself.

“OK. The choice offered to us in the Tenth Tradition is between accepting our own limits as a group, and pretending we can do anything we like. We have but one purpose, and we do one thing well: We carry the message of recovery and hope. That’s all we can do, and that’s enough.”

“You touched on some critical issues, Vern, and I almost banged you out of order. Thanks for sticking to the task tonight,” said Mildred. “Now, the Eleventh Tradition.”

Kimberly: “The Eleventh Tradition—Our public relations policy is based on attraction rather than promotion; we need always maintain personal anonymity at the level of press, radio, films and television.

 “I guess we could drop the press, radio, and films and just say in the public media, because, since the 1940s, we’ve seen such technological change. They never even dreamed of color television or the Internet in those days. But the point here is very basic, and very important. I think the choice offered is between setting an example and trying to force people to change. You have to want to change. We carry the message in our speech, our behavior, and our thoughts. We set the example for the newcomer; as the mental health people like to say, we’re role models. If we want to get others into our rooms, we have to be attractive people with attractive lives.”

“Thank you. Now the Twelfth Tradition.”

Gertrude: “The Twelfth Tradition reads—Anonymity is the spiritual foundation of the Gamblers Anonymous program, ever reminding us to place principles before personalities.

 “And I do feel that this is perhaps the most important of all the Traditions. Anonymity is spiritual, first, last, and always—what a profound insight that is! It’s not about shame, or hiding our past from others, it’s about true humility and selflessness. I always feel so sad when some public figure like a sports hero or movie star goes public with a story of addiction, because I know right away they don’t really have the program in their hearts.

“The second part of the Twelfth Tradition, place principles before personalities, is so important, and I have to keep saying that to myself over and over again when the arguments break out. The question is not who is right, but what is right. The choice here is between humility and grandiosity. To own a really good thing you found yourself is an ego boost, so it’s hard to have the patience to allow others to find it for themselves. You want to become the center of things, a teacher or preacher, but as soon as you do that, your personality gets in the way and you become a problem. So we each have to find it for ourselves, learn humility, and let go of ego.”

“Thank you, Gertrude. Before we tackle the Promises from the A. A. Big Book, let’s take another short break. Back in five, folks.”

We had been less than an hour so far, but a break was welcome. I decided Mildred was wise to keep the discussion brief, and to offer short breaks. I had seen others taking notes, and now people were asking each other questions.

During this break I found an overhead projector in one corner of the room. There were some blank transparencies and a marking pen on a shelf beneath the projector, and I brought these back with me to my seat. It was time to start preparing my own very short talk, and now I could present it visually. Weeks before I had prepared a whole speech, then tossed it away knowing that the ideas coming from these people would be better than any I could offer, because it would be in their own words and would apply to their own lives. If I must make a speech, I could only write it after I had heard them.

Although I thought I knew a great deal about human psychology, the people in Gamblers Anonymous were not interested in hearing me lecture. If they were interested in psychology, they would read psychology books or take a course at the local community college. What people wanted were answers and solutions. However, they knew better than I what works and what doesn’t. Members of Gamers Anonymous know a lot about gambling, but, in turn, I’m not very interested in hearing that. I wanted to hear recovery stories, not gambling stories.

“OK friends, let’s get going for the last inning,” said Mildred, taking her position behind the podium. “People have been very good about keeping their comments brief and to the point. We’re actually ahead of time, but that will leave Dr. Taber plenty of time to educate us further, and I know we’re all wanting to get his insights.”

She was setting me up as some kind of authority when I wished I could be as anonymous as everyone else in the room. Anonymity can be a blessing! What a wonderful stress reliever it could be.

“The Twelve Promises,” Mildred continued, “are not all that familiar to many of us who may not have read the Alcoholics Anonymous Big Book. They appeared after the first Alcoholics Anonymous meetings, and they don’t always find their way into the literature of other groups that borrow A. A. ideas. But they surely apply to all addictions and compulsive behaviors. I always just accepted them as promises, as inducements to continue in the program when things got rough. Until now, I’ve never seen the Promises as involving any kind of choice on my part, so let’s see what the rest of you found here. Will, you have the First Promise.”

Again I jotted notes,  just the general sense of each person’s remarks.

Will: “The First Promise— We are going to know a new freedom and a new happiness.

“I do see that even with these Promises I have to choose correctly to make them come true for me. I know a new freedom because I choose to be free, and I choose to be happy even when things don’t go my way. I accept my limits, and that makes me free of wanting and craving and seeking. The choice here is between freedom within natural limits, or that old passion for the limitless freedom and power that enslaves us.”

“Thank you. Nell, the Second Promise, please.”

Nell: “The Second Promise—We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it.

“If we still regret our past, we can’t learn from it. Besides, regret and guilt are just signs of a big ego that still needs deflating. I choose to accept where I’ve been and what I’ve done. It’s a part of me, and I can’t rewrite history. But I can outgrow it. The choice here is between fact and fiction, between the desire to have been different and the desire to become different.”

“Thanks, Nell. Steve, you have the Third Promise.”

An elderly man in a wheelchair waved his hand in acknowledgment. For obvious physical reasons he could neither stand nor even look up at the podium. His voice was thin and shaky.

Steve: “The Third Promise—We will comprehend the word serenity.

“I went nuts when I couldn’t get around anymore, when I learned I’d be in this chair the rest of my life. To pass the time I started hanging out with other losers in self-help groups for alcoholics and gamblers like me. But serenity was an impossible dream as long as I couldn’t get around on my own, at least so I thought. We studied the A. A. Big Book, and I read these promises again and again, and I always thought they were stupid. Finally, I realized that serenity was waiting for me any time I decided to accept it. First, I had to accept what I had become, and learn to live with it. I’m a cripple, a gimp. Then I decided to give up the anger. Finally, I learned to practice serenity. Serenity is something you do, not something you’re given. It felt good, and it made life worthwhile again. The choice here is very simple. You can choose to be angry at life, or you can choose to accept it with gratitude and humility.”

“Thank you, Steve. Mark, the Fourth Promise.”

A very young man stood to face the podium; he did not seem more than eighteen.

Mark: “The Fourth Promise—We will know peace.

“Well, I never wanted peace. I raced motorcycles, played in all kinds of sports, and chased the girls. Peace was for old men; young people want action. But I never got enough action. When I got tired, I took something to keep me going. I wanted more fast times. Then they locked me up and said I was manic. To this day, I don’t see how they figured that, but I accepted it and slowed down. There was a medication that helped. I learned to relax and meditate. I learned to listen and ask questions. So I found peace, and I have peace of mind now. I don’t want anything because I learned to say that what I have is enough. I have all I need right now. The choice in the Fourth Promise is between having what you want, or wanting what you have. I feel like I have it all now, without trying.”

“Well stated, Mark. Isabel has the Fifth Promise.”

Isabel was a large, motherly African American woman with a huge smile. Isabel: “The Fifth Promise—No matter how far down the scale we have gone, we will see how our experience can benefit others.

“I know I got pretty far down that scale. The only thing people could learn from me was to stay clear. But this year I sponsored a fellow who was completely different from me in every respect. He was a rich, educated, white guy, and he’s worked out really well so far in the program. One night, after a meeting, he came up to me with tears in his eyes. He kissed me and hugged me right there in the room, and he told me how much he had learned from me. That really knocked me over at first. How could I teach anybody anything? The choice in the Fifth Promise, if we want that promise to be kept, is between self-esteem and self-devaluation. Maybe I taught this fellow something; he seems to think I did. But he taught me to accept self-esteem, not just talk about it, but believe it. So just recently I’ve decided to ease up on myself and be my own friend.

“Cecil. The Sixth Promise,” said Mildred.

Cecil: “The Sixth Promise—That feeling of uselessness and self-pity will disappear.”

Cecil had an English accent and spoke with precision. “That feeling they talk about here is something we get used to and may never try to repair. Feeling useless and having self-pity, well, the shrinks will try to treat that as a mental illness if you let them. When we were using, we were useless. That’s a fact, not an illness. And of course, I felt sorry for myself. I was a sorry piece of work, and that’s a fact. But these negative feelings continue into recovery out of force of habit, and we have to decide to work at feeling differently. So the choice here, I think, is between self-confidence and the old self-doubt. Sometimes we can’t change feelings overnight, but we can decide to work on them.”

“Fine,” said Mildred. “The Seventh Promise, please.”

Alger: “The Seventh Tradition—We will lose interest in selfish things and gain interest in our fellows.

“These choices, they’re really priorities we set. And I think we need to look at our priories every day of our lives. Once I cleaned up, I realized that I didn’t have to spend all my time worrying about what I needed and wanted. I made the choice to let go of selfish interests and get involved with others, and it worked. I’ve learned more about me by trying to help others than I ever dreamed possible. So I don’t think we lose interest in selfish things, we just decide to let go of a self-centered life. Once I cleaned up, the alternatives were clear, and I got involved with my home group.”

“Max, you have the Eight Promise … whoops! … we seem to be having a little rumble here!” cried Mildred, hanging onto her podium with both hands.

The room rocked and swayed slightly, and after a few seconds all was quiet and stable again. I had been in southern California during the big quake back in 1971, so I knew we were having a minor tremor. At least I hoped it was minor, and that it was finished. Nevertheless, the picture of Jesus behind Mildred was now just a little bit crooked. No one seemed to notice.

“Well” sighed Mildred. “That was interesting. I hope it’s over. One more time, let’s ask Max to mention the Eighth Promise.”

Max: “And a good, safe evening to all. Don’t blame that quake on me, folks. What I have to say isn’t that earthshaking, but this promise could be. The Eight Promise—Self-seeking will slip away.

“All these promises, I agree, seem to imply that our problems will just vanish or get removed somehow, without leaving us much to decide. Self-seeking will only slip away if I behave differently than I did in the past. There’s no magic here, it just seems like magic sometimes. When I was using, I tried very hard to be interested in others. I was in a service job. But it was all just pretended. I never ever stopped thinking about gambling, about getting some money and getting off by myself so I could gamble without people interfering with me. In abstinence, I decided to be other-directed instead of me-directed. That took time. It wasn’t an instant decision, but it was a decision, I realize that now. I just decided that service to others was my best way to serve myself. And that’s what I try to practice now. It works.”

Mildred was still clutching her podium, continued. “Thanks Max. May we have the Ninth Promise?”

An elderly lady rose from her seat. She looked a bit lost and uncertain of herself, but she faced Mildred with a nervous smile and, after her fist few words, read from a sheet of paper.

Edith: “The Ninth Promise: Our whole attitude and outlook upon life will change.

“This is a very optimistic prediction. My old attitudes were pessimism, anger at life, and depression. I think Bill Wilson meant in this promise that the change will be in a positive, happier direction in keeping with the spiritual experience. Of course, when you’re still using, abstinence looks scary. It sounds really depressing not to be able to gamble whenever you want to. Life looks like a dirty deal all around. I had to decide that I wanted to take a chance on abstinence because, finally, nothing could have been worse than the way I was. Some people are born optimistic and good-natured. I had to decide to learn to be that way. I was the world’s worst sourpuss. I think that the Ninth Promise asks us to decide in favor of optimism, and leave the old pessimism and depression behind. I agree with others, as a result of my own experiences, that we can change how we feel, that we can change our attitudes. Don’t wait for someone to fix you; recovery is a do-it-yourself job. Thank you.”

“It’s a pleasure to have you with us tonight, Edith,” said Mildred. “I’ve known this lady for years and she’s one of the most optimistic and positive people you’ll find. Let’s hear the Tenth Promise.”

Nork: “Yes, Ma’am. They call me Nork because my Alaskan Indian name is hard for most people to say. I come from a village in which every adult male is a substance abuser, but I’ve had over four years of abstinence, and then my gambling got worse. I don’t go home (laughing), so maybe that’s why I’m sober. The Tenth Promise—Fear of people and of economic insecurity will leave us.

“I never had much confidence, and I think that’s the choice here. Once I got out into the world, I learned I was not a second-class citizen. I got through college with an engineering degree, although I drank and gambled the whole time I was in school. When I started to work, it was clear that I had to choose between a career and my addictions. It was tough, but I quit everything. By then I had confidence in myself, and the program made it stronger. Gradually I took on bigger and bigger responsibilities with my company, and my confidence grew. I know that if I went home for a visit, all the old self-doubt would come back. I would be seen in the village as an outsider now, someone who abandoned his culture. I love my native culture and I volunteer in our local museum on Native American projects. But what the Steps and Traditions and Promises don’t tell us is that we can’t go home again, not emotionally and not intellectually. We become different as a result of our decisions to abstain, and I accept that. Life can never be the same as it was.”

“Very interesting, Nork. Thank you. Next, the Eleventh Promise.”

Jim: “The Eleventh Tradition—We will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us.

“I was baffled by normal people when I was gambling. I never really understood why they didn’t love gambling, too. I couldn’t accept that I was different, that I had a problem. I didn’t understand why people got married, had children, or got to work on time. I was one baffled critter. One of the situations I never handled very well was a compliment. I always tried to convince anyone who paid me a compliment that they were wrong. Then one day my sponsor told me, ‘When somebody gives you a compliment, shut up and listen. Just say thanks and shut up.’ So I decided that a big part of social skill was just letting people be what they are, believe what they believe, and say what’s on their minds. I decided to stop trying to control people when what they say doesn’t match what I believe.. So the choice that brings the Eleventh Promise about is in favor of learning new social skills, and that’s not hard at all when you stop trying to edit, correct, and change others. People need our ears a lot more than they need our lips.”

“Fine. We’re just about finished, and then we’ll hear from Dr. Taber here. May we have the Twelfth Promise, please?”

I was shocked and embarrassed to see Dr. Fringe rise to his feet. He had promised to stay out of things. Why was he intruding himself now? It was someone else’s turn to speak, and he was out of order.

Now I suddenly wondered who, in fact, had persuaded this group to admit whom. Was it I who got Fringe admitted? Or was it he who had arranged it all for me? As he continued I did my best to hear what he said over the questions in my head.

Fringe: “The Twelfth Promise from the A. A. Big Book—We will suddenly realize that God is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves.

“As all of you here know, I am agnostic, and I preach about the so-called Universal Secular Twelve Steps. I would prefer to read the Twelfth Promise as: We will suddenly realize that the program is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves. If others include the credit to God, I don’t care. We must accept whatever works for each of us, as long as we never forget that our own decisions lead us to a better life. What works for me is whatever I can find in this world, in this life, here and now, to help me obtain and continue my personal growth. My emotional reactions to religion get in the way of that, but your program has taught me tolerance.

“Professional training taught me to think I had to be infallible. I was never supposed to make a mistake or admit an error. They make you believe that the doctor is king, and then your patients come along and put you on a pedestal, too. That’s so they can find you better when they want to throw rocks at you. But after awhile, you begin to believe you’re pretty near perfect. So for me, to bring about the Twelfth Promise, I had to decide to give up the grandiosity and begin to practice true humility and gratitude. I humbly and gratefully thank all of you, and the others like Dr. Taber here. It’s a wonderful life. Thank you. Tonight I choose humility and gratitude.”

Dr. Fringe came over and shook my hand. He had carried off a clever and elaborate deception. I didn’t feel angry at him, just amazed and confused.

“Thank you, Oliver,” said Mildred. “And thank you for bringing Dr. Taber with you tonight. But now he must earn his admission. Dr. Taber, the floor is yours.”

I took my place behind the overhead projector, still a bit confused by developments.

“As usual, I’m very grateful to be included in your important work,” I began. “And I do thank my good friend here, Dr. Fr … Oliver, I mean … for bringing me tonight. You all, together, have refreshed a tired spirit. Tonight I wish to be no more than a mirror held up to nature, if you will. As I listened to each of you I jotted down the choices you offered, and I’m grateful that you all went along with my challenge to find the choices offered in the Twelve and Twelve and Twelve.”

On the first transparency, I had written:

Choices called for in the Twelve Steps

    1.    Surrender and powerlessness vs. manipulation and control

    2.    Faith and belief vs. doubt and cynicism

    3.    Willingness (to change) vs. stubborn obstinacy

    4.    Self-examination vs. denial (of imperfection)

    5.    Honesty vs. dishonesty

    6.    Open-mindedness vs. closed-mindedness

    7.    Humility vs. arrogance

    8.    Caring vs. denial

    9.    Fixing vs. forgetting

    10.    Self-correction vs. staying stuck

    11.    Mindfulness vs. close-minded

    12.    Service vs. selfishness

“You said these things tonight,” I said, “and I just wrote them down. These are the choices you made, the choices you talked about. If I were trying to define spirituality, apart from religion, I could not have done better. If I were teaching a class in cognitive psychology, I would try to get students to understand these choices so that they could understand how we create our own misery and our own joy. And look what we did! We didn’t have to depend on, or invoke, or blame, God. Oliver likes that, I know.”

No hands went up, but people were generally nodding in agreement. I moved on to my next transparency:

Choices called for in the Twelve Traditions

    1.    Unity of group conscience vs. personal isolation

    2.    Group rule vs. self-will (democracy)

    3.    Desire to do better vs. fear of change

    4.    Family (group) integrity vs. blind obedience

    5.    Caring vs. indifference

    6.    Spirituality vs. materialism

    7.    Independence vs. dependence

    8.    Love of the work vs. love of money

    9.    Democracy vs. authoritarianism

    10.    Accepting limitations vs. fix the world

    11.    Setting an example vs. forcing compliance

    12.    Personal humility vs. grandiosity and egotism

“Does anyone have any thoughts on these choices I heard you making?” I asked.

Nork raised his hand. “We seem to be saying that independence is a virtue, while self-will is unhealthy. I’m not too sure I understand the difference.”

“A good point,” I replied. “We don’t have all the right words to express exactly the shades of meaning we want to communicate. You’ll find apparent contradictions in our choices because of simple language failure. Self-willed people are too independent. Independent people also get themselves in trouble by not listening to good advice. So I guess we have good independence and unhealthy independence, just as we have healthy self-will and unhealthy self-will. I do know that we can maintain our personal, emotional independence by listening to good advice and ignoring bad advice.

“Psychologically dependent people follow the crowd and are easily manipulated. On the other hand, many self-willed people are not really psychologically independent; they want to pretend they are, and they sometimes try to steamroller people, but ego sets limits on thinking and behavior. So please define words like independence and self-will, so others know exactly what you mean. In the context of self-help groups, independence means freedom from addiction and freedom from having to depend on others for money, support, and care. I hope this helps.

“I have one last sheet to show you. I’ve taken a beautiful prose passage from the Alcoholics Anonymous Big Book and chopped it up into arbitrarily numbered units. I hope you can forgive me for that; others have done the same, and I just wanted to illustrate my argument.”

The next transparency read:

Choices offered by the Twelve Promises

    1.    Freedom within limits vs. anger at limits

    2.    Appreciation of experience vs. desire to re-write history

    3.    Act with serenity vs. wallow in conflict and anger

    4.    What I have is enough vs. more, more, more

    5.    Self-esteem vs. self-devaluation

    6.    Self-confidence vs. self-doubt

    7.    Concern for others vs. self-preoccupation

    8.    Outward direction vs. self-seeking

    9.    Optimism vs. pessimism/depression

    10.    Confidence vs. fear

    11.    Social skill vs. social ineptness

    12.    Gratitude with humility vs. egotistical entitlement

“These are the choices I heard your speakers talking about. We could express them in slightly different words, and there does seem to be some overlap and duplication on certain points. But I think you’ve done an excellent groupthink here this evening. As usual, you asked me to come here and teach you something, and I end up leaving with more than I brought. If Mildred says we have time, we might have more comments or questions.”

Steens raised his hand. “Could you please take the addresses of anyone interested, and send out copies of these choices? It would be a great convenience.”

“I don’t want to do that. I’ll leave your choices here with you and ask the next group to which I speak to discover their own choices, if there is a next group. If you like what you’ve written collectively, please copy them down now. But do not take them home and insist they represent some absolute truth. Don’t expect others to jump at them and swallow them just because you helped discover them. Allow others to discover their own truth, because it’s through personal discovery that we grow. Feel free to come up and look at the transparencies, or to write you own lists, as some of you have.

“The point is: I have not done your thinking for you, and you should not try to do the thinking for others.”

Halmuth, our German friend, looked angry and confused. “How,” he demanded, “can we talk all this time and work so hard only to have you discard the distillation that you have prepared. You are the authority and I should carry your words back to my group at home. You must make this knowledge available to others.”

“No, Halmuth,” I said, “I think not. You can learn to give others their chance to talk and work and think. Don’t try to do those things for them, please. If they come up with the same or similar answers, good. But they might discover something we overlooked. None of us must do anything. Choice is choice, and the more limits we set on choice the more we limit our potential.

More questions, comments and discussion followed, and I really enjoyed the give and take of this group, but finally I had to say, Thank you all, again, for allowing me to be with you. I hope you will excuse me now, because my good friend Oliver and I have things to discuss, and it’s late.”

Mildred thanked her audience and asked that the remaining snacks be taken away by anyone who wanted them. As the group milled about exchanging ideas and small talk, Fringe had a suggestion for me. “I saw a phone booth on the street corner, Taber. Why don’t you go up and call a cab while I finish just a short bit of business with Mildred? Then we can have a coffee or something and talk as long as we like.”

Grateful for the chance to escape, I hurried up the stairs, found the side door, and left the church, the iron door clanging behind me. The rain had stopped, but the fog lingered. I walked to the corner, but there was no phone booth. I walked around that church twice looking for Fringe’s phone booth, and when I found none I returned to the side entrance and rattled the door. Finally I rang the bell. Nothing happened for long minutes so I rang again. As I stood there I felt another slight tremor of the earth, and my concern about earthquakes grew. But at last, someone was coming.

The same old man who had admitted us earlier opened the door just a crack.

“I got locked out,” I said. “I need to find Dr. Fringe. He’s at the meeting.”

“You didn’t get locked out,” said the old caretaker, “you never got in. I told you, the meeting of the Little League coaches was last night. There’s only me here tonight, and I wish you’d stop ringing this bell. Now, you better leave before I have to call for help.”

Bang went the door in my face. I waited many minutes, but no one came out of the church. Finally, I walked slowly toward what I thought might be a business district, hoping to hail a cab. Before I did, I found a café, and ordered coffee. Sitting there alone, late in the evening, I tried to puzzle out what had happened. Reaching for change to leave a tip on the table, I found the paper that The Fringe had handed to me during the meeting. It wasn’t handwritten, it was neatly typed, a copy of one of the pages I’d mailed to Mildred before the meeting.

The Universal Secular Twelve Steps

Whereas any and all addictions to substances or activities are manifestations of a single, underlying problem in human development; and whereas we seek to avoid the controversy that religion us differences introduce into the conduct of worldly affairs , we do herewith adopt and recommend the following Twelve Steps for recovery for all persons who suffer with addictions:

1.    We admitted we were powerless over our addiction—that our lives had become unmanageable.

2.    Came to believe that The Program, as a power greater than ourselves, could restore us to sanity.

3.    Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care this Program, and to the loving care of this Group.

4.    Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.

5.    Admitted to our Group, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.

6.    Were entirely ready to allow The Program to remove all these defects of character.

7.    Humbly asked for the removal of our shortcomings.

8.    Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.

9.    Made direct amends to such people whenever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.

10.    Continued to take personal inventory, and when we were wrong promptly admitted it.

11.    Sought through study and meditation to improve our conscious contact with a higher power of our own understanding, asking only for knowledge of right and wrong and the strength to follow that knowledge.

12.    Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these Steps, we tried to carry this message to addicts, and to practice these principles in all our affairs.

* * *

On the bottom of the page, in the spidery handwriting of Fringe: “Religion is divisive. Spirituality without magic or miracles is possible!”

Somehow, the next morning, institutional politics and the endless meetings did not seem so horrible. I could live with the ever present personalities that seem to dominate much of what goes on in the world. At work, I would get along with supervisors, good or bad. And I knew that I could practice love and tolerance for people who seemed sometimes to be incompetent. I would go on with the endless and impossible tasks of trying to help not only people on the payroll that no one could fix, fire or forget, but myself as well. I was, after all, one of them. Then there were the patients with whom I was privileged to work; they were my continuing source of strength. I would give them my best.

The world, of course, had not changed. It was I who once again could see it through clear and optimistic eyes. I knew that opinions and values are infinitely flexible, and it didn’t change how I felt that morning. I would behave as if I loved life and the people in it, and everything would be fine.

The words of one of the speakers the previous evening came back to me as I marveled at the organic nature of the self-help movement. She had said that being in the program made her feel like she was growing up all over again. Indeed, maturity is perhaps the greatest gift of all besides abstinence itself, and it seems to be an inevitable consequence of working in the program. That program for alcoholics begun years ago, whatever it started out to be, has grown up all over again itself, too. The ideas upon which it was based seem to be discovered again and again throughout history as we stumble on in our painful evolution toward spirituality. But each rediscovery yields new insights, wider applications, and a larger audience.

The reader shall judge the merit and make the choices. And I will continue to enjoy the meetings in my head and my imaginary friend who often plays tricks on me.

The Gamblers Anonymous Twelve Steps

1. We admitted we were powerless over Gambling - that our lives had become unmanageable.

2. Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to a normal way of thinking and living.

3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of this Power of our own understanding.

4. Made a searching and fearless moral and financial inventory of ourselves.

5. Admitted to ourselves and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.

6. Were entirely ready to have these defects of character removed.

7. Humbly asked God (of our understanding) to remove our shortcomings.

8. Made a list of all persons we had harmed and became willing to make amends to them all.

9. Make direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.

10. Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong, promptly admitted it.

11.Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out.

12. Having made an effort to practice these principles in all our affairs, we tried to carry this message to other compulsive Gamblers.

The Unity Program

In order to maintain unity our experience has shown that:

1.    Our common welfare should come first; personal recovery depends upon group unity.

2.    Our leaders are but trusted servants; they do not govern.

3.    The only requirement for Gamblers Anonymous membership is a desire to stop Gambling.

4.    Each group should be self-governing except in matters affecting other groups or Gamblers Anonymous as a whole.

5.    Gamblers Anonymous has but one primary purpose - to carry its message to the compulsive Gambler who still suffers.

6.    Gamblers Anonymous ought never endorse, finance or lend the Gamblers Anonymous name to any related facility or outside enterprise, lest problems of money, property and prestige divert us from our primary purpose.

7.    Every Gamblers Anonymous Group ought to be fully self-supporting, declining outside contributions.

8.    Gamblers Anonymous should remain forever non-professional, but our service centers may employ special workers.

9.    Gamblers Anonymous, as such, ought never be or organized; but we may create service boards or committees directly responsible to those they serve.

10.    Gamblers Anonymous has no opinion on outside issues; hence the Gamblers Anonymous name ought never be drawn into public controversy.

11.    Our public relations policy is based on attraction rather than promotion; we need always maintain personal anonymity at the level of press, radio, films, and television.

12.    Anonymity is the spiritual foundation of the Gamblers Anonymous program, ever reminding us to place principles before personalities.